I’ve always known it, but this article solidified it.  I’m not cut out to be the breadwinner of our family.  It’s not that I don’t have the ambition or the drive to be good at my job. I do. It’s not that I want to opt-out or off-ramp or whatever silly buzzwords exist to define working motherhood. I don’t.
It’s that I get edgy and nervous when I’m under pressure.  I’m worse than that Miss Teen USA contestant. I don’t like being in charge all the time. I know I keep saying this, but I can’t keep up with everything mounting up around me. I can’t “do it all.” I don’t know how to take two business trips in a row without getting a pit in my stomach. I have a hard time being cheery and bright-eyed for my son in the wake of stress at work.  I forget how to be a good and understanding wife after a long day. When the stress of the job builds, I just become more exhausted, overwhelmed and cranky. I’m not saying those mommy-breadwinners don’t feel this way. But while they’re probably solving the world’s energy crisis, my typical big worry of the week is what class to sign my son up for on my day off.Â
Exacerbating my stress about this topic is that I feel I’m a part of a momosphere that is decidedly feminist and that I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  While I’m pro-choice, pro-civil liberties (not of the Bush kind), pro-everything-you-want-to-do-how-you-want-to-do-it, at the core, I still like it that my husband is the one who worries about the big things. I admire those women who rise to the top, do it all and more.  I can relate to a lot of what they say, but a lot of it is different for me. I have a job that’s on my terms, one where my husband was more concerned with how happy I’d be than how much money I’d make. And I make some sacrifices as a result.  But they are sacrifices I can afford to make.  I live a life where I’m somewhat oblivious to reality. I come by it honestly. I grew up very pretty sheltered due to the fact that my father had it rough and wanted to protect my brother and I from his worries.  It’s not a good thing, but sometimes it’s all I know. And while my husband is trying to break the mold, he also helps to perpetuate it by being the breadwinner and not asking me for more than to be happy and be the primary caretaker of our son. I’m sure this all sounds incredibly old-fashioned, and well, it is, but I like it this way.
But there’s a part of me that knows I should try to be an agent of change; that I should try to make more of a difference. To be the best. To help others more. To earn more money. But I can’t do it right now. I don’t have it in me yet. I’m just happy to be me. Little ol’ non-breadwinner, part-time working mom, possibly not-feminist, rookie-blogger me. And that’ll have to do for now.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
For whatever it’s worth, I think you’re a great example of what feminism is!
You’ve made choices that make you happy and work for you and your family. And you’re
a darn good writer, too!
I agree with PunditMom all that way. It also sounds like you and your husband are a great example of how modern marriage and parenthood require teamwork. It’s wonderful that you two are so supportive of one another.
Well said. It’s easy to lose yourself in those labels. Sometimes I feel like I am in the minority when it comes to Moms, because of the choices my hubby and I have made to continue on with our dual-income (dual breadwinners?) situation because I like and WANT to work. It’s part of me.
I think it just boils down to what works for your family and YOU. And if you find the balance, that is heaven
Feminism is about choices, right? It has to be a real choice, though, with truly possible options.
So as long as you’re confident that if you *did* want to work full-time, that your husband would support you in your attempts, and you’d both work to find a good solution for your child-care, even if it might mean that your husband was the one who stayed home and did primary childcare, then I think you can relax and be happy with the choices you’ve made.
Here, here!
I also think that the NEW feminism is about admitting that even if you can have it all, you don’t necessarily want to.
I too live pretty obliviously thanks to my husband but when I turn it around and look at it the other way he gets to live oblivious to a lot of the things I do for our home and children and I get to have a job I love, love, love. I’m even working on a blog posting about thanking spouses for their role, whatever that may be. I just thanked him for doing his job the other day. He thought I was silly at the time, but I thought it was necessary.
I like this post a lot. The feminists before us worked to give us a choice and options to do what is best for our families. You exemplify that choice.
I have been the primary breadwinner for five years and for the first time we are experiencing a likely change in the roles. My husband finished his MS and has made a career change. I am suddenly feeling a little disconcerted about the change. Not that I liked carrying it all on my shoulders and worrying “what if”. I should be comforted by having the influx of cash, but in a way it is almost bittersweet. (Control freak? Me?) The possibility of switching to part time is nearly within my grasp as long as I can wrap my head around it.
I love the bread reference. Even though I stay at home with my daughter, I still respect working mothers. I truly don’t know how you do it all. I feel like there aren’t enough hours in my day to get housework done, and I’m here! But just because I’m home doesn’t mean I am not tied up with keeping my 11-month-old occupied. I think the whole stay at home thing will get easier the older she gets. By then it will be time for #2! Continue to be proud of what you bring home. There are many varieties of “bread,” if you get my drift.
Being perfect has never been a part of the feminist creed as much as we all may think it is. You do your part, when you can, and hopefully we win out in the end. Perhaps at this time, your job in the revolution is to be the best mom you can be. Who else is going to raise the best lil male feminist out there?
I’ve said it before to many people, the Goddess gave me a daughter for a reason. She gave you a son for many reasons, one of them is that you can raise a boy the right way and not think he owns them just cause he buys them a drink.