I quit my job to spend more time with my son, but I haven’t quite let go of the one life vest that helps me hold my head above the proverbial water: my nanny.
Yes, I’m one of those over-indulged SAHMs who has help a few hours a week. Many weeks before I decided to quit my job, I implored my husband to let me keep my nanny on board part-time. I insisted that I couldn’t do it alone, no, not with the hours he works or with a child entering what some call Toddler PMS. For all that my nanny and I have been through together, the thought of having the ability to go to the grocery store alone without someone yelling in my ear at every turn, “turkey! banana! ketchup!” was enough to make Messianic Music look like a sing-along with Elmo.
He obliged, I helped to find my nanny another part-time job and in such state I entered the world of SAHM heaven.Â
But when my nanny showed up this morning I wasn’t filled with excitement. I had a laundry list of things I wanted to achieve during my day, but really I had nowhere to go other than to the gym and back to Lululemon to pick me up a fine sweatshirt (note to self: I MUST stay away from that store for fear of turning into nylon).  And, in the fashion that I’m used to, I rushed out of my house to make it downtown by 9 am. Not for a meeting, but for a yoga class. I left my son screaming in my nannies arms as I left. It was deja vu all over again. Except I was wearing technical fabric instead of wool gabardine.
As I puttered around town, by myself in my car, listening to adult radio (AM news station) all I could see were all the other mommies like me, in their SUVs running pointless errands, biding their alone time (and spending ridiculously more money than me at LLemon). I felt like I deluded myself and my husband into thinking I actually needed some “me” time. I thought, what is it that I was trying to get away from? I’ve already spent the last 182+ Wednesdays away from my son at work. Why would I choose to spend yet another one on my own?
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m not quite ready to let the totally-reliable, yet odd-personality sitter go. I know the drama my friends go through trying to find part-time help for their children. The conversation I overheard at Whole Foods between two mothers lamenting to each other how they wished they could afford a sitter now and then certainly helped convince me of me-time worthiness as well.
But really, at the core, it’s the reason I worked for the last year and a half. As much as I want to be a SAHM, or was a working mom, I know that I’m not cut out to do the all-out mom thing a 7 full days a week. Because I know that I’m a better mom if I have a little space now and then. Because separation anxiety in a 9-month-old ‘aint got nothing on a 2-year-old.
Or maybe it’s because when I returned home after only 4 hours away, I walked into a house and heard giggles like I’ve never heard before, son and nanny playing games I would never have thought of, and got the running-into-my-arms-hug from my son that was usually saved for the nighttime.Â
Because I know that even though I’m technically an SAHM now, it doesn’t necessarily mean everyone’s better off having me fulfill the stay-at-home part of the equation 100 percent of the time.
It’s only my second week as an SAHM and I’ve already been bitten by a pang of jealousy.  An uneasy feeling hit me as I watched my husband get picked up by a cab this morning and head to work leaving my son and I looking at him out the window. As he shut the door behind him, my worst fears hit me: what if this is it? What if my days from now on only contain unkempt hair, dirty pajamas and a toddler writhing on my lap?
I know I’ll be hit with these moments now and 10 months from now, but I must remember why I made this choice and that it’s not the end of my career as I know it. That there will be good days and bad days and fun days and sad days, but at the end of the day it’ll all be worth it. Yesterday, on my first Monday off, there was nothing inside me that would have rather been sitting in my fancy office looking out at Lake Michigan instead of entertaining my son (ok, maybe a quiet lunch at my computer).
As the saying goes, the grass is always greener (and skinnier, and prettier), so thanks to Kim for helping me see that. This post she sent helped me see through my jealous fog. I have to remind myself that nothing is permanent. If I want to work again, it will be there for me one day. And I know that if he had a choice, my husband would much rather be sitting on the couch with us rather than in that cab all alone.
I walked outside for the first time today at 5:30 and said, “wow, it’s so warm out.” I even let my son take off his hat.
I turned on the car to head to dinner.
It was 36 degrees Farenheit.
You guys warming up over there yet?Â
Because I’m sweating in my shearling here in Chicago.
A week into my unemployed status and I like not knowing what I’m going to do with myself.
I like that I actually have TIME.
Down time is down time. It doesn’t feel like let’s-cram-one-day-of-work-into-a-two-hour-nap time.
Play time is really play time. It’s not you-play-while-I’m-on-the-BlackBerry-time.
Lunch time is really lunch time. It’s not I’ll-catch-up-with-my-calls-while-you-eat time.
I may be drinking my own Kool-Aid (gotta throw a really bad work phrase in here once in awhile) of what it’s going to be like to stay at home full time, but so far, I don’t miss: client calls, writing plans, attending meetings, taking notes, putting on heels, waking up before my son does to shower for work, the commute. And the list goes on.
I’m fully satisfied to, at 3 in the afternoon, catch up on two week’s worth of Nip/Tuck.
I mean, who doesn’t want to look at this while their kid naps?
I pride myself on being fashionable. I mean, I’ve dedicated at least three categories on this blog to fashion. At work, I would get a tingly feeling inside when someone complemented my outfits. I remember clearly (ok, it was only a week ago) on my last day when my coworker said, “we are now losing one of the office’s fashion icons.” (Ah, how memory gets enhanced over time.)
For me, keeping up with the fashion at work was easy. I could get away with three-inch-heeled boots one day and flats and leggings the next. At work, I could be creative, inventive and forward with my outfits. Of course, having a toddler or being pregnant does mess with fashion-forwardness at times (I will never be able to live with the fact that I wore pink Uggs to work one day. UGH.), but most times, I felt confident that I looked the part of sophisticated, savvy PR professional. Just ask the Mary Kay lady.
However, now that I’m in the throes of SAHM-land, I’m feeling like a fashion flunkie. I can’t find my groove. Last week, I showed up to pre-pre school in my sweaty yoga clothes. Yesterday, I donned hanging pearl earrings, wide-leg jeans and platform boots. I can’t get it straight. Look too dressy and people whisper “why is she wearing that to class?” Don’t wash my hair before I see my school acquaintances, and I feel the need to overcompensate with statements like “oh Junior was a nightmare this morning.”Â
Actually, everyone overcompensates for unwashed hair, I’m finding. (Beauty tip: unwashed hair actually looks better on most people than freshly-blown. Good for me, bad for my husband.) I’m not totally innocent in petty banter, I’ll admit. I remember guffawing inwardly (and to my friend) when I saw one of those super well-dressed moms show up to school in come-hither black patent high-heeled boots. I mean, they were fabulous boots, but do they belong in Temple at 10 am on a Tuesday?
I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I have now found my source for fashion salvation as an SAHM: Lululemon. More commonly known as the yuppie moms’ uniform.
I had discovered the brand a few months ago when I picked up a pair of flared yoga pants on heavy discount. But I assumed that these pants were meant to be worn only with sneakers to and from the gym. Embarassed to go outside the confines of a treadmill in them, I’ve stored my Lululemon pants at the bottom of my drawer for the chance to actually break a sweat in them.
But while attending playgroup this week, I spotted another mom wearing the special horseshoe symbol and immediately thought, wait! I can wear wick-away fabric and look fashionable again. I figured out how I could get my fashion mojo back.
The symbol that can set you free.
I immediately staked out my plan. I had a slot of time yesterday where I could escape to mommy nirvana: the new Lululemon store in Lincoln Park. I couldn’t hide my excitement when I opened the door and entered 2500 square feet of sweatpant heaven.
The colors! The feel of the swishy nylon-like material between my hands! The sale prices! I was overwhelmed with glee. Of course, because it was 2 in the afternoon on a Thursday, no more than seven Lululemon-clad princesses offered their expertise and service.
“I wear my technical fabric way more than the cotton ones.”
“That sweatshirt even looks great with your jeans.”
I don’t know if they were just trying to appease my over-dressed appearance (I was still wearing the dangling pearl earrings when I ventured to the store), but I kept asking for sizes and they obliged. Of course after trying on the sale items, none of which looked good on me, I settled for some wide-leg brown pants and an off-white sweatshirt. (Because off-white goes great with toddler.) It was way more money than I wanted to spend, but no one said looking great comes cheaply.
I put them on this morning and felt whole again. Until I saw a mom in soccer class this morning wearing the exact same thing. I may look fashionable, but no one said I would look original. At least there’s safety in numbers.
Originality is overrated. And expensive.
Tag: Lululemon, mom fashion
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Cross-posted on Chicago Moms Blog
Hi! It’s me again. From the other side of motherhood. The stay-at-home side. Actually, staying at home hasn’t been all that realistic since I stopped working last week. A visit to the family in Michigan, a mother-in-law visiting to take care of Junior this week, really makes me feel like a lady who lunches as opposed to a lady who should be cleaning up toddler messes.
But for fear that my leisure status will catch up with me; I’ve been keeping busy.
- For one, I’m currently conducting a fun giveaway ever on my pathetically-updated review blog. If you tell me a good story about why you need a new diaper bag, you can win one from Land’s End. So go check it out!
- I’m also happy to announce that I’m going to be a featured writer on the amazing web site, Work It, Mom! I’m going to be writing once every other while about working moms in the media. Tell me what you think about Lindsay Davenport’s return to tennis after baby.
- Last, I’d like to thank my new blog friend, Alex at Flexible Parenting for awarding me a Roar for Powerful Words award. I never think my writing is all that great, but I’m honored that someone out there actually likes what I spew out! And I never really thought I had any blog friends, but I’m glad I do.
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And for that, I’m going to award some bloggy-bling to a few of some of my blog aquaintances (do I have any other blog friends yet?) who’ve made my day recently.
- Foodmomiac:Â Because before I stopped working I never quite knew what to make of all the great food advice and recipes she posts on her fabulous blog. Now I have time to cook!
- High Heels and High Chairs:Â Because I can now totally relate to this.
- Mom, Ma’am, Me: Because her blog title alone makes me chuckle, and her writing is infectious. Plus she’s working hard at a job she isn’t thrilled with, so we gotta give her a little love.
So, that’s where I’ve been. Where you all been?
