I quit my job to spend more time with my son, but I haven’t quite let go of the one life vest that helps me hold my head above the proverbial water: my nanny.
Yes, I’m one of those over-indulged SAHMs who has help a few hours a week. Many weeks before I decided to quit my job, I implored my husband to let me keep my nanny on board part-time. I insisted that I couldn’t do it alone, no, not with the hours he works or with a child entering what some call Toddler PMS. For all that my nanny and I have been through together, the thought of having the ability to go to the grocery store alone without someone yelling in my ear at every turn, “turkey! banana! ketchup!” was enough to make Messianic Music look like a sing-along with Elmo.
He obliged, I helped to find my nanny another part-time job and in such state I entered the world of SAHM heaven.Â
But when my nanny showed up this morning I wasn’t filled with excitement. I had a laundry list of things I wanted to achieve during my day, but really I had nowhere to go other than to the gym and back to Lululemon to pick me up a fine sweatshirt (note to self: I MUST stay away from that store for fear of turning into nylon).  And, in the fashion that I’m used to, I rushed out of my house to make it downtown by 9 am. Not for a meeting, but for a yoga class. I left my son screaming in my nannies arms as I left. It was deja vu all over again. Except I was wearing technical fabric instead of wool gabardine.
As I puttered around town, by myself in my car, listening to adult radio (AM news station) all I could see were all the other mommies like me, in their SUVs running pointless errands, biding their alone time (and spending ridiculously more money than me at LLemon). I felt like I deluded myself and my husband into thinking I actually needed some “me” time. I thought, what is it that I was trying to get away from? I’ve already spent the last 182+ Wednesdays away from my son at work. Why would I choose to spend yet another one on my own?
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m not quite ready to let the totally-reliable, yet odd-personality sitter go. I know the drama my friends go through trying to find part-time help for their children. The conversation I overheard at Whole Foods between two mothers lamenting to each other how they wished they could afford a sitter now and then certainly helped convince me of me-time worthiness as well.
But really, at the core, it’s the reason I worked for the last year and a half. As much as I want to be a SAHM, or was a working mom, I know that I’m not cut out to do the all-out mom thing a 7 full days a week. Because I know that I’m a better mom if I have a little space now and then. Because separation anxiety in a 9-month-old ‘aint got nothing on a 2-year-old.
Or maybe it’s because when I returned home after only 4 hours away, I walked into a house and heard giggles like I’ve never heard before, son and nanny playing games I would never have thought of, and got the running-into-my-arms-hug from my son that was usually saved for the nighttime.Â
Because I know that even though I’m technically an SAHM now, it doesn’t necessarily mean everyone’s better off having me fulfill the stay-at-home part of the equation 100 percent of the time.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
If I am ever a full time SAHM, it will probably be when both girls are in school. Honestly most moms I know need a little “me” time and are better off for it. You’ve just made a huge lifestyle change. I would keep the sitter relationship going, even if you just use her every other week. Well said!
Be easy on yourself, it takes time to adjust. Enjoy that “me time”. It’s good for you!
As a SAHM without regular support (totally jealous down here by the way!) I officially give you permission to NOT feel guilty. Non-mommy time is so very important for all moms.
So next time the sitter’s around, do me a favor: please go to a cozy bookstore with a delicious coffee in hand and spend at least an hour just browsing…*sigh*
well, my opinion is in the minority apparently, but methinks you should consider going back to work……i mean, are you there for your kids, really? or do you want to be elsewhere? that’s the question
Dude, EVERYONE needs a break. Anyone who says differently is jealous of the help. Get yourself into the routine, and use the time to either get stuff done or just do a little downward dog and get a weekly pedicure. Lord knows we all would if we could. (And feel guilty too. Ack, what’s wrong with us?)
I’ll tell you my little story, and maybe you’ll feel better, because there is NO reason for you to feel guilty.
Here goes: I live in India and am fortunate enough to be in the upper strata of society, where I can afford a full-time maid and a full-time cook, and I have both. Sounds great? Well, it is. It truly is. But, and there is a but, the thing is that because I had so much help, I was scared of just what you said, of not spending the time I gave up work for. So what did I do? Despite all the help, I did everything for my daughter myself – maybe not the washing of clothes etc, but everything that concerned her, I did myself. And what happened? She got so used to it that now she does not let the maid near her! She screams and tells her “mama will bathe me!!”
I was in this unique situation with all the help in the world, but still no time for me! And before I knew it, I was crabbymommy with a blog called mommyrage! Not smart, not smart at all.
Moral of the story? The “me” time is more important that you think.
Ladies, as a woman who has to budget just for groceries, and never gets to buy current clothes, you sound like a bunch of spoilt rich brats. If you can afford it, why not I suppose. However do be the mum to your children and be there for them emotionally and intellectually, don’t let them consider the nanny more of a mother to them than you are. That would be a tragedy.
Sara, I think it is all about balance. I am not fortunate enough to have a housekeeper or nanny, but I do have grandparents that live close by and many friends. I will admit that my husband works very long hours and there are many days when he doesn’t see our daughter for more than an hour, if that. It isn’t really by choice, but it is what it is while he is in grad school. I, therefore, have to pick up the slack…and that is often times overwhelming. When I need to go to get my hair cut or run longer errands, I can leave my daughter with her grandparents. SO, in essence, I guess I do have a nanny–it’s just that mine is free! I will also admit that I do not leave my daughter with her grandparents as often as I should. Many days I yearn for adult interaction (hence phone calls to my friend Kelly) and would LOVE to just be able to go to the grocery by myself or go to the gym (which we don’t even have a membership to since I would never be able to go). Part of the reason I don’t get out is because it is taxing emotionally on my daughter to be separated from me, but then on the other hand, it is good for her to not be with me and see that being with other caregivers is ok. I think if you can find a good balance between how much time feels “right” for you to be away and how much time feels “right” for you to be at home. For me, I would love to have someone come over once a week, but some people might want it more often (like if you are really committed to going to the gym, etc.). I just wouldn’t spend hours and hours at the gym. An hour or so is enough for you to feel exercised up, but not guilty for being excessive with your personal indulgences. You just have to listen to your own emotions. I, again, would love to leave more frequently, but I know my mommy guilt would flare up if I left more than I currently do. That’s just how I am, but each person is different and you shouldn’t feel badly about the way you feel!
BTW, I didn’t mean to imply that going to the gym is a “personal indulgence.” I think taking care of your body is very important to being a healthy, loving parent. I meant other errands (like manicures and pedicures) would be personal indulgences that you should be able to do on occasion, but shouldn’t take up all day. That’s just my opinion. I am a girly-girl, but don’t find much pleasure in those sorts of indulgences…mainly because they are expensive and I’m cheap.
We moms feel guilty about EVERYthing, don’t we? I think as long as our kids are well-cared for, we have nothing to feel (legimately) guilty about. So if you’re out and about while your son is with a good nanny, it’s all good.
See now from the working mom side of things I can’t imagine being home with my kids and letting someone else care for them. But that is my narrow perspective based on my experience. But I also couldn’t live without my housecleaner or THE top notch daycare and preschool… so you pick what is right for YOU.
If it works for you, then go with it! And without the guilt! Save the guilt for something good… spending too much on a pair of wonderful shoes, for example.
As stupid as this sounds, I feel like a lot of the guilt and judgement would go away if you
started referring to her as a “babysitter” and not a “nanny.” To me, the term “nanny” implies
that a SAHM is delegating all the childcare to some other person, in favor of too much “me”
time. (Maybe this belief comes from the book/movie The Nanny Diaries.) This does not seem to be
what you’re doing with a babysitter who comes a few hours a week. I mean, if you don’t have
family in the area, and your husband works a lot of hours, you sometimes NEED to have a babysitter
in order to get some stuff done. There are just some things you CAN’T bring a child to. I
hardly think anybody thinks going to the grocery store counts as “me” time. How self-indulgent is a trip
to the Jewel?
It’s hard to tell you not to feel guilty, but don’t get caught up in the negative comments for sure. In my totally inexperienced opinion, since I am lucky enough to have family, besides the “me time†I think if you can afford it, it’s great to have a babysitter your kid really knows and likes. So when you need a babysitter for a date night, trip to the doctor, whatever, you don’t have to scramble and end up with a new person, which would likely worry you more.
One tip, though, borrow another kid for a while, and taking one to the grocery will seem like a breeze ïŠ
The way I see it is that mommy guilt is nearly impossible to escape. So do what’s right for you and don’t think too much about the guilt.
I wouldn’t feel guilty about it all. I always ask myself “Does doing x make me a better mom?” Everyone needs a break and the amount and lengths of the breaks are different for each mom. I think they can also be different for each child too. In a paid job you get breaks, right? People can be very quick to judge. Apparently someone took my post I did on my teenage babysitting program and the Field Museum seriously.
We mummies will find something to be guilty about in EVERY situation. But I agree with those who say that if you have the chance to take some regular ‘me’ time, for a few hours a week, then take that chance and run with it. A de-stressed mummy is a good mummy.
Having a nanny or a maid, as I look at it, is more for the mother’s sanity and if one can afford it then there’s nothing wrong with it. I have one but I am there for every single thing for my daughter, more than any mommy I know..so it’s wrong to think that a nanny is something of an indulgence that will distance the mother from the child.
It’s better for the child to have a mommy who gets to do her own thing sometimes.
Happy mommy = Happy baby.