Just when I think the mommy wars debate has died down, a popular, and somewhat controversial site has to go and dredge it all up again. In a recent Momversation webisode, some of the most formidable bloggers tackle the (why won’t it ever die?) headline “Are You a Stressed Working Mom?”
I rarely watch this type of online chattering, but when Y tweeted about the resurrection of a common mommy wars debate I had to tune in.
I’d say the episode doesn’t really deal with the stresses of working motherhood so much as it becomes a platform for the women to talk about why they work, how they can’t be SAHM (uhm, because apparently in the video all we do is play with trains for five hours a day), and the ins and outs of freelancing/ working from home. Included in the discussion is everyone’s favorite former work/ life balance guru Lisa Belkin of the New York Times who now authors the parenting blog, Motherlode, for the paper. There’s some discussion of the “freelance” career path and not becoming the next CEO, but overall, the conversation never reaches into those deep, dark depths of working motherhood like tearing yourself away from your kids to go to work when they are screaming, and guilt we all feel when we have to choose work over our children.
And this is where the debate began to rage.
Temporarily Me and Miss Zoot reacted strongly about the video. You can read the posts for yourselves, but at the core of the argument is that even if moms work, there are discernable differences between all the types of working moms and those who work outside of their house in an office have it harder (edited to add: Miss Zoot did not intend her post to read that way, and I totally see her point, now). (To the Momversation episode’s credit, Daphne, of Cool Mom is actually honest about what the internet’s version of working motherhood is: freelancing and blogging from home is not really all that stressful of an occupation.)
I’ve talked about all this before. Are you listening, internet? The mommy wars is old news.
Too bad it never dies. That’s because the choices we make as mothers are bound to conflict not only each other, but ourselves. It could be working or not, breastfeeding or not, feeding your kids organic foods or not- just about everything we do as mothers includes a choice we have to make that is inevitably going to piss someone off.
Unfortunately, though, many moms and dads don’t have a choice about whether or not they have to work. Those who don’t have a choice cannot help but feel anger towards moms who work at home living out their dream of writing, designing web sites, whatever. Likewise, the moms who work at home at “real” jobs, or doing these freelancing jobs think their situation is tough and that they have the stresses of all working moms as well.
Those of us like me who are just SAHM, well, we just suck all over the internet, don’t we. Because we just sit on our asses and eat bon bons all day long.
I’ve been around all the blocks possible with regards to working. I’ve worked at an office. I’ve worked at home. I’ve worked out of state. I’ve “freelanced.” I’ve not worked at all.
And guess what? None of it is easy and all of it is, well, gasp. WORK.
So I understand all sides of the debate. I understand those moms who are stressed out because they have to go to the office, but their kids have the flu and day care won’t take them so they are scrambling for child care. I get that. I get those moms who slow down their career path to keep themselves in the mix because they can’t stay home all day. I get those moms who work a ton even though they work from a virtual office at their house. I also get those moms who don’t want to work at all, but who freak out because their kids cry all day and they didn’t make it to the dry cleaners on time.
But what I don’t get? I don’t get why time after time, year after year, this “us” vs. “them” debate in the working mom world rears its ugly head. Yeah, the Momversation episode was totally slanted to a certain working mom demographic. But maybe that was its point. To show a sample of what’s out there. Because we all know “real” working moms just don’t have the time to film a five-minute internet show. (Just kidding, but you don’t, right?)
I know that no matter what anyone labels me, thinks, sneers at or is jealous of, that I’m glad I had the ability to make the career decisions I did. I don’t care if the WAHM or WOHM next door thinks I’m crazy because I enjoy playing with pretend airplanes ad nauseum. Because I made a choice, and it was my choice, and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to make me feel bad about it.
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Bravo, Sara!
You totally called it. All of the nipping at one another’s PERSONAL choices all comes down to one thing- insecurity, guilt, and jealousy. It isn’t about what the woman down the street or over the Internet does, it’s about what works for YOU and your family.
As “just” a SAHM too, there are days when I feel like the luckiest gal in the world and then there are the other days… The days when I wish a child care provide were handling this particular tantrum/potty accident/demand instead of me
Nothing is as easy as I make it look…
It mostly stirred by people uncomfortable or unsure about their own situations. People often have a twisted way of justifying themselves.
You’re right, it is old news and very disappointing to see brought up for sensationalism’s (and page views’)sake by that site.
You know, I can’t agree more with you.
One: Mom Wars? Really? STOP IT, PEOPLE. I don’t care less what someone else’s lifestyle choice is, let alone someone I know through the internet. I vote we all ignore the war, and it ceases to be one. If no one comments on a Momversation, etc, they won’t do that topic again, right?
Two: I’ve worked full time, part time, freelanced from home, stayed at home soley…and they all are just as hard as the other. Exactly as hard. Not one is worse than the other.
Great post, dude. Someone shared it in my reader, and I’m sure glad they did. ME? Totally coming back.
Thank you for writing this post. Thank you!
I think one of the points I tried to make with my post was that I AM doing both. Right now. I am a WAHM as well as a WOHM. I pretty much lead a double life and in my personal opinion, staying home is EASY compared to the work world and that they’re NOT the same. I do not negate at all that they are both hard. I KNOW THEY’RE HARD. But they’re NOT the same.
The ‘real’ part came from Daphne’s comment about how we don’t have ‘real’ jobs. But to be honest – if it pays the bills: it’s a job. We all know that. I wasn’t clear about my use of the word ‘real’ and I’m sorry for that.
xox
Sam
Holy cow, can’t we all just get along. Really all that matters is that people can live with their own situation and their kids are taken care of, safe and happy! I was always told don’t criticize until you have walked a mile in their shoes
No one really knows what anyone else is going through or how hard or easy it is for them.
I am really sorry if you think I started a Mommy war but if you’ll read my entry you’ll see that’s not what I said at all. I freelanced for awhile. I was a SAHM for awhile. I was just pointing out that the video didn’t offer any contribution from mom’s who work outside the home. Please, please, PLEASE don’t think I think one is harder. You can ask any reader of my blog…I work outside the home b/c working FROM home is too hard for me.
Zoot- I don’t know you well, but I would never want to misconstrue what you meant in your blog. Thanks for clarifying. Let’s all give some virtual hugs now. That’s what I intended!
I’m all for virtual hugs…but I prefer donuts! So I bring both!
This supposed “war” seems to rage on stronger on the internet, in written words (or videos, as the case may be) more so than in my real life, I guess. I work outside the home but certainly feel like the common bonds of motherhood unite me with my SAHM friends more than any differences set us apart.
I think the whole thing just goes to show how prone to mommy guilt most moms are, which is too bad. I work outside the home but do not feel horribly guilty about it, any more than most men who work outside the home do, anyway. I mean, sure, there are days we’d all wish we were at home with our kids instead of working, but I don’t think most dads spend their days bowled over with guilty. Now, I don’t know if this means that I’m just a lucky duck that somehow didn’t inherit enough of the guilty gene, or if I’m full of it and should prepare myself for an onslaught of guilt that will be coming my way when my child gets a little older!
Couple of other thoughts:
1) I wish everyone (sorry – exaggeration — I mean to say “a lot of people”) didn’t feel like they have to defend their choices on this subject along the lines of “I HAVE NO CHOICE!” While I respect the fact that that is true for many people, and certainly sympathize, I think I’m in a (apparently rare) minority of people that actually DO have a real choice. And so far, I’ve chosen working outside the home. I do not think I should have to feel bad about working outside the home if I’m not able to say, “this is the only way that my family can make it.” KWIM?
2) Why is it that I can say to my accountant friend, “Wow, I had to go to an accounting training, and man, I don’t think I could ever be an accountant!” And she can take this without being insulted. In fact, she can in some ways take it as a compliment – that I am not cut out for the work that she can handle. Generally, people accept that not everyone can be an astronaut/chef/doctor/you name it. Yet, when someone says, “I could never leave my baby and work outside the home full time!” or, “I know I could not do the full time SAHM thing,” it is so often taken as a slam on that lifestyle? I don’t think it has to be seen that way. More just an acknowledgement of “different strokes for different folks.” (Back to the video: I kind of think that Maggie’s comment about “5 hours of trucks” could be viewed this way — not as a slam on SAHM’s, but as a sign of respect for some of the tougher moments of being a SAHM. I would hope and assume that she did not intend it to imply that her belief is that this is what all SAHM’s do all day everyday.
Whew! Sorry for the long comment! Slow day at work, I guess!
Personally, I love to judge everyone.
Seriously, I think Kate is onto something. I could never be a chemist – I hated chemistry, hated experiments, hated it all.
In the same respect, it would really be hard for me to be a SAHM. Not because I hate my kid, but because I’m just not cut out for it. It is what it is. If someone wants to judge me, fine. When my son was born, I didn’t have a choice to not work. Five years later, we still couldn’t afford for me to not work at all, but we could certainly afford part-time. I’ve been struggling with making a decision there.
I’ve found now that I’ve been a parent for a grand total of 5 and a half years that I know look at a lot of this and think “why does anyone else care what I do?” Really and truly why do my choices matter to anyone else.
Honestly, it’s like a contagious disease, this Mommy Wars issue. I’m thinking it’s time we all put away our claws and just accept each other and support each other. It angers me that this is such a difficult thing to do.
Thanks for writing this, I’m glad I had the chance to read your article.