I knew the day would sneak up on me fast. The day that body parts would be discovered and questions would have to be answered. The day I wouldn’t be able to escape the very simple inquiry from my son,
“Mommy, do you have a penis?”
It would be easy to avoid the topic of discussion, to brush it off or to play dumb. It would be easy if it weren’t for the horse. The damn plastic, well-endowed horse that my son insists on playing with 24/7.
How can I play dumb when we both look at this all day long?
“No, I don’t, son, but your horse does.”
Now, I love those Schleich animals you get at Target as much as the next person. And, I get that there’s a desire to make these figurines look really true to life. (i.e., the plastic pig has what seems to be an appropriate but appalling amount of teats.)
But adding a very large male genitalia to what your son thinks is a “mommy” horsey? Not so much.
I think this should have been sold in the “adult toy” section. And, I think he’s not Jewish.
I’m dying to find that dude, somewhere in the depths of Germany, who’s drunk or horny, eeking out a living at the Schleich factory working on this toy horse model, who thinks to himself (because only a man would make a penis on a plastic horse this large):
Ah-ha! I’m going to add a to-scale penis on this horse so that moms all over the world playing ‘farm’ with their kids will be forced into awkward conversations with their children at young ages.
Either that, or the horse-making dude was seriously bored one day.
What’s even more alarming is that the horse isn’t the only creature in our animal collection that would make Dirk Diggler blush.
May I present to you…
… the antelope of every girl’s dreams?
… I bet this lion isn’t so cowardly. Needed a heart, my ass.
I tried to find an animal or two with female parts, but it just wasn’t dirty funny enough.
So now I’m stuck. I’ve got a kid who’s discovered himself and an immature mother who can’t get over the collection of plastic porno-creatures she’s bought him.
Oh, life would be so much easier if I just stuck to Little People.
Plastic testicles not included.