Just when I think the mommy wars debate has died down, a popular, and somewhat controversial site has to go and dredge it all up again. In a recent Momversation webisode, some of the most formidable bloggers tackle the (why won’t it ever die?) headline “Are You a Stressed Working Mom?”
I rarely watch this type of online chattering, but when Y tweeted about the resurrection of a common mommy wars debate I had to tune in.
I’d say the episode doesn’t really deal with the stresses of working motherhood so much as it becomes a platform for the women to talk about why they work, how they can’t be SAHM (uhm, because apparently in the video all we do is play with trains for five hours a day), and the ins and outs of freelancing/ working from home. Included in the discussion is everyone’s favorite former work/ life balance guru Lisa Belkin of the New York Times who now authors the parenting blog, Motherlode, for the paper. There’s some discussion of the “freelance” career path and not becoming the next CEO, but overall, the conversation never reaches into those deep, dark depths of working motherhood like tearing yourself away from your kids to go to work when they are screaming, and guilt we all feel when we have to choose work over our children.
And this is where the debate began to rage.
Temporarily Me and Miss Zoot reacted strongly about the video. You can read the posts for yourselves, but at the core of the argument is that even if moms work, there are discernable differences between all the types of working moms and those who work outside of their house in an office have it harder (edited to add: Miss Zoot did not intend her post to read that way, and I totally see her point, now). (To the Momversation episode’s credit, Daphne, of Cool Mom is actually honest about what the internet’s version of working motherhood is: freelancing and blogging from home is not really all that stressful of an occupation.)
I’ve talked about all this before. Are you listening, internet? The mommy wars is old news.
Too bad it never dies. That’s because the choices we make as mothers are bound to conflict not only each other, but ourselves. It could be working or not, breastfeeding or not, feeding your kids organic foods or not- just about everything we do as mothers includes a choice we have to make that is inevitably going to piss someone off.
Unfortunately, though, many moms and dads don’t have a choice about whether or not they have to work. Those who don’t have a choice cannot help but feel anger towards moms who work at home living out their dream of writing, designing web sites, whatever. Likewise, the moms who work at home at “real” jobs, or doing these freelancing jobs think their situation is tough and that they have the stresses of all working moms as well.
Those of us like me who are just SAHM, well, we just suck all over the internet, don’t we. Because we just sit on our asses and eat bon bons all day long.
I’ve been around all the blocks possible with regards to working. I’ve worked at an office. I’ve worked at home. I’ve worked out of state. I’ve “freelanced.” I’ve not worked at all.
And guess what? None of it is easy and all of it is, well, gasp. WORK.
So I understand all sides of the debate. I understand those moms who are stressed out because they have to go to the office, but their kids have the flu and day care won’t take them so they are scrambling for child care. I get that. I get those moms who slow down their career path to keep themselves in the mix because they can’t stay home all day. I get those moms who work a ton even though they work from a virtual office at their house. I also get those moms who don’t want to work at all, but who freak out because their kids cry all day and they didn’t make it to the dry cleaners on time.
But what I don’t get? I don’t get why time after time, year after year, this “us” vs. “them” debate in the working mom world rears its ugly head. Yeah, the Momversation episode was totally slanted to a certain working mom demographic. But maybe that was its point. To show a sample of what’s out there. Because we all know “real” working moms just don’t have the time to film a five-minute internet show. (Just kidding, but you don’t, right?)
I know that no matter what anyone labels me, thinks, sneers at or is jealous of, that I’m glad I had the ability to make the career decisions I did. I don’t care if the WAHM or WOHM next door thinks I’m crazy because I enjoy playing with pretend airplanes ad nauseum. Because I made a choice, and it was my choice, and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to make me feel bad about it.
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Momversation
